


I have to walk the line

by younoknowme93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Major character death - Freeform, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 03:23:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20382868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younoknowme93/pseuds/younoknowme93
Summary: Severus survives the war even though many others don't





	I have to walk the line

**Author's Note:**

> When I was going through all of my incomplete stories I found this one that was mostly complete. I picture the relationship being platonic in this situation but it could possibly grow into something else.

I have to walk the line. It’s not easy, but I’m the only one who can. I have to walk the line between good and evil. Light and dark. Hope and hopelessness. It’s not easy, but I’m the only one who can.

I could give up, but giving up has never been something that I exceed at. That’s not to say that I don’t fail on occasion. I fail so often that me and failure are on a first name basis. Failure is the most intimate relationship I have ever known, but I still must walk the line. 

I am more comfortable being hated than being liked and it’s not as much of a challenge to belittle my students as it should be. 

It is I alone that can know my true alliance. 

So why then is everything so cold.

Bleeding, I should be fearing death. I should be preparing for the ultimate sleep, but here I lay only feeling thankful that it’s finally over. 

I did the best I could Lily. I’m afraid your light was far to bright for my dark heart and I shunned you for reaching out your hand. I hated you for not hating me. 

Did I do good enough Lily. Your son. The boy you gave your very life for is now a man. 

His eyes are just as blinding. His aura too pure for my corrupted soul. There was never a chance of me finding happiness in this life- it was decided before I was even born. 

The only good I can do for this world is to die.

How many times did my father tell me just that. _‘Boy do all of us a favor and just kill yourself.’_

I did dad. It took longer than if I were to have just done it myself, but I did kill myself dad. It doesn’t matter that the act was committed by another’s hand. It was me who pulled the trigger. It was me who set myself down this path of death.

Lily, I wish I could apologize. But I’m afraid even with the mediocre good I have done to protect your child, I still will not go to the same place as you.

How many times did my mother tell me that she gave up to much for me. How many times did she tell me how much better her life would have been if I was never born.

Lily. Do you remember when I tried to kill myself. It was just after I ended our friendship. I had nothing left. Nothing left to hold me to life. You found me. Somehow you always find me at my lowest.

It’s been more than twenty years, but I can still feel the sting of your hand against my cheek. I can still see your pure eyes clouded in anger. Your voice completely done. How many times did you stop me from killing myself.

‘This is the last time Severus.’ You were looking right at me and I was so ashamed I could only look away. ‘This is the last time. I’m not going to stop you again. I tried to be your friend. I tried to be close to you, but you refused. You insulted me. You called me that awful slur. I’m not stopping you again Severus.’ I forced confidence into my voice just so that you would not know how pathetic I felt.

‘Why did you stop me this time.’ I asked with as much attitude as I could muster.

‘Because you don’t deserve suicide.’

At the time her words were so mixed in anger that I was sure she meant I don’t deserve an easy way out. I don’t deserve the peace of death. I deserve the suffering that only life can give. It was years later. Years even after she had died that I questioned those words. What did she mean. Was I correct in my first thought or did she actually mean that I don’t deserve to give up on life before I have a chance to find happiness.

She’s dead now. So I’ll never know what she meant. Either way Lily, I never did find happiness. If that is what you wanted me to do, then I am sorry.

In my final moments I can only hear her words repeating. ‘_This is the last time’_.

_‘This is the last time’._

**‘This is the last time’.**

“Lily!” Where am I? What is this place.

“Don’t talk. Your throat is still hurt badly.” I’m being pushed back into a bed by piercing green eyes. Lily? No. No, it’s not her. It’s her son. “Was it a dream… about my mother?” He asks. I can’t look at his eyes. He will see all the ugliness just like she did. “The war is over. Voldemort is dead… along with many others.” He starts listing names of the dead- from both sides. I’m almost amazed that I don’t hear my own name. He says many names of students that I have taught. “Ron and Hermione died too.” He says lastly. It’s only now that I look at him. And it’s only now that I see the ring of red around his otherwise pure green eyes. He’s been crying. “We lost a lot of good people.” I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be one of the survivors. I shouldn’t be. He exhales. “But at least you survived.” He smiles. It’s not a happy smile, but it not a sad one either. He’s not disappointed that I survived, he’s just disappointed that there isn’t more laying in the empty beds beside me.

“I’m sorry.” My throat feels like I have swallowed a knife, but I can’t stay silent.

“You did the best you could under the circumstances. They were my best friends and they are gone.” He doesn’t even seem to notice that he’s crying again. We certainly aren’t close enough for me to console him, but I can’t stop my body. I can’t stop from standing on shaky legs even as he’s asking me to lay back down. I can’t stop my arms from wrapping around him. I can’t stop my own eyes from leaking shameful tears on this child that was forced to grow to fast.

‘**This is the last time’**

I’m not going to waste it this time Lily. I’m not going to waste it this time.

He’s crying in my arms and for the first time in my life I feel like I’m in the right place at the right time.

His hands clinch the medical gown I have on as his entire body is racked with sobbing. My own loud cries echo just as loud. I’m not sure who is consoling who anymore, but neither of us pull from the embrace. 

I don’t know that I will ever be able to find happiness in this life, but until the day I die. This boy in my arms- I will strive to find him happiness.

“Harry.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, but I suppose that is fitting for what I’m about to ask him. “Would you like to live with me?” He nods weakly against me and I feel like it was the right thing to ask. I understand Lily, this is the last time. But I won’t need another chance.


End file.
